Willingness To Surrender
Hi my name is [Anonymous] and I have this disease of Compulsive Overeating who gratefully weighs 3 meals off the Cambridge Greysheet and I am proud to say I belong to GSA!
My eating history is probably not a lot different from yours. I ate and I ate and I ate! I lied for food! I stole for food! I compromised my morals and values for food! I lost a job to food! I was willing to compromise my health by stretching my body beyond its normal limits! I was a slave to food and I can go back into that mode if I take my abstinence away!
My first greysheet meeting was in 1990, I went to that one meeting and wasn't ready and I wasn't desperate enough (quite belligerent in my disease) as I look back.
I re-entered the rooms in 1991 and I was enticed by someone (back door style) who seemed to eat like I did but I was not desperate enough still! I did start to weigh and measure but I kept taking my will back and doing very diseased things! I weighed foods that we do not eat on the greysheet, I subtracted proteins from other meals and tacked it onto my dinner meals! My surrender was not quite complete! I did lose a lot of weight during this period of insanity and I started to get panicked! At that time the fear got so bad I wanted my obese body back I didn't know what to do with myself! I was feeling feelings that this disease wouldn't allow me to feel! I was a mess! I continued to weigh and measure but not Camb. GS style!
I finally had the willingness to surrender in 1994 THANK YOU GOD!
So my journey has been unbelievable! I just celebrated my 11th year of GS b/b abstinence through the grace of god and this fellowship and with sponsors! I have been through many things in my abstinence and haven't found it necessary to pick up! The 12 steps have been pivotal in my abstinence and has helped me to climb up to my God of my understanding! I learned that my disease kept me in deep denial of who I really was. I had great things about me and things I really needed to change! My pride and ego got in the way most of my life! I have learned a lot along the way! I have the ability to wait, because I can wait in between my meals (4-6 hrs apart), I don't have to continue to allow quick fixes to dominate my life! I can feel an uncomfortable feeling and not stuff it down with the food, BEAR THE DISCOMFORT TILL THE COMFORT COMES or the other way around to feel joy! I have learned that this is about spiritual progress and not spiritual perfection! I have learned as I continue to weigh and measure my food ONE DAY AT A TIME that I will continue to get and want to be closer to a God of my understanding!
I can have boundaries, the GS teaches me that it is 4.0 8.0 16.0 so it enables me to have boundaries or the courage to have boundaries with others! I have learned it is easier to carry a lunch bag than it is to carry around 100 lbs extra weight! I have learned I don't have to explain my program to others and that I only have to know really why I need to do this! This program has given me a sense of responsibility because I need to be in charge of my own food not to have others weigh it for me! I need to do my own work! I learned I do this in crises. I do this when I am in the hospital or when I am out of the hospital. This has taught me to be prepared for life, I need to be prepared if my batteries go out or have scales where I frequent the most! Constant backups are a must! These are only some of the examples that I have learned.
I have weighed and measured during the most painful times in my life, the most joyous times in my life and just when life is life! It is a privilege to have this gift and I continue one day at a time to preserve it!
Thank you for asking me to post and thank you for reading my story and being with me on my journey!