Dear Group - Thank God for GreySheet. I'm still abstinent - on day 86. This is long-term abstinence for me. A few months ago, I was unable to get more than a couple of days at a time. For some periods I would call my sponsor every morning and binge every single day for weeks. I was in that place they talk about in the Big Book - terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair. As far as I was concerned the situation was hopeless. By mid-morning, I would say "What's the use?" and eat. Not only was I fully in victim mode, but the food had me in a complete chokehold. When we read How It Works in our meeting I often key in on the words cunning, baffling, powerful. It's hard to find the words to fully describe how much control my eating addiction has when it's activated. As for the cunning aspect of it, I heard once at a meeting that the chains of my eating addiction were too soft to be felt until they were too hard to be broken. It was completely baffling how I couldn't do something that I had been able to do in the past. Once at a meeting I told the group that I felt like I was in the ocean and everyone was tossing me life preservers, urging me to grab on and get on the boat. I was utterly clueless as to my inability to grab on and save my life, despite my desperation. Freeing myself took a lot of willingness, intervention-type help from people in the program and an act of God.
Some of the past few weeks I've felt like I was an abstinent robot. I have done food part, turned off my head, and showed up for as much of life as I could, which wasn't much. I'm still in hard core withdrawal, sleeping a lot, feeling achy, exhausted and overwhelmed. My body is under the stress of withdrawal, detox, losing weight, and carrying extra pounds. It's also in shock because I'm only eating fresh fruit and vegetables and wholesome proteins. I suppose I remember withdrawal before, but somehow going through it again is a rude awakening. Thank God I have not had many white knuckling incidents. The worst was on day seven, when I was in my fourth grade classroom. I had decided to binge and had the food heating in the microwave. Someone from the program called me right at that moment, and I told her I was about to binge. Of course, she basically told me that wouldn't be a good idea, but somehow I feel she helped me tap into the part of me that was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I hung up the phone I felt all of the fight leave my body and surrender take its place. That was a great moment. You know what they say - it's always easy to find God - he's at the end of your rope. One thing I wanted to share was the mental retraining I've needed to stay away from that first bite. There are many one-liners and slogans that surprise me every time they work! They are so simple and are made up of such silly simple words, yet they are the most powerful weapons I have against relapse. I believe they are gifts from my higher power and nothing short of miraculous. One slogan I've been using a lot is this too shall pass. These four small words save my life. When I have food thoughts, I say that. Then a couple of hours later, I realize that I've had two hours of freedom from food and have forgotten the discomfort I'd had. I treasure those two hours of freedom like they were gold. I'm very grateful for GreyNet. Thank you everyone for your sharing.